A Difficult Week

Yes, it has been a difficult week. John and I finally got our paperwork squared away with one of our adoption agencies in Utah a couple of weeks ago. Almost immediately, we got a phone call about an African American baby due to be born the next week. The fee was $16,000 + the cost of the birth (another $6000). The next day we got the call that the birthmom did not choose us. We were sad, but we were prepared for this call...we've gotten it a couple of times. The next day we got another call. The available baby was 3/4 Caucasian and 1/4 AA....bringing the price to $22,000 + $9000 for the birth (because it was a planned C-section). Yes, the price increased by $6000 because the baby was nearly white! I told the social worker that John and I couldn't afford $31,000 and she said, "Okay, so we'll only be looking for full African American babies born vaginally for you." All of a sudden I felt sick. Paying a price based on the race of the child? It felt like a market. John and I both feel that it is racist and morally reprehensible. We decided that we would look for an agency that does not charge based on the race of the child. The problem is, after hours and hours of searching, we realized that all of those agencies are too expensive for us. Not only are they more expensive, but we've found that most agencies want their money in one big lump sum. There are no adoption agency payment plans:( We just don't have $25k sitting in the bank...not even close. If we could pay in installments we could handle it. Most people handle this by getting a home equity loan....but we are not home owners. Saving is tough...we still have student loans and every time we get significantly ahead of the game someone's car dies or we have a flood. I've done a lot of crying this week.

I spent a lot of my time talking to our ct adoption agency about all of our fears this week. Do we max out our 2 credit cards with their high, variable interest rates? We are applying for grants, but our income is actually too high (as a middle class family) to qualify for much. Our social worker asked us to think about race-based fees as an incentive program to find homes for the many AA babies who might otherwise not be adopted. The pool of white families willing to adopt transracially decreases the darker the baby's skin color gets:( It makes me cry if I think about it too much. After much consideration, John and I came to the realization that we will not be able to afford adoption without taking advantage of one of these programs. We have always been open to adopting a baby of any race, we just never thought price would be part of the consideration. We have found a few agencies that are more affordable through their African American adoption program. We still have to pay fairly large lump sums of money plus travel expenses and birthmother expenses. The birthmom expenses can range from $1000 - $10,000 depending on what she asks for. These expenses are payed to the birthmom when she is matched with you and do not get refunded if she changes her mind after giving birth:/ We have to decide how much money we are prepared to lose. We can't afford to lose more than a couple thousand (well, really, we can't afford to lose ANY money). The agency will only match us with birthmoms that need less than $2000 for their living expenses.

John and I applied for a personal loan today at a fixed interest rate of 13%. We'll find out if we were approved in a couple of days. This is really our only option for having ready access to $20k or more with only a few days to a few weeks notice.

Adoption has become so expensive and complicated. The stress that this process causes can be nearly unbearable. I really wish that my reproductive system worked properly....it would be so much easier.

On a positive note....our nursery is nearly ready and waits only for a baby to make it complete:) I know that this process will pay off in the end and we will NEVER take our child for granted. I know that John and I will be great parents....just a little more patience.