Please welcome Willow Penelope Celeste Sheer

Willow is sleeping in her swing right now. Looking at it makes me dizzy. Our preferred sleeping place for her is on one of our chests but we have to do other things now and then and I have yet to figure out the Moby. Willow was born at 5:30 am on April 20th. She weighed 6lbs 1oz and was 19 inches long. She is beautiful and perfect in every way. During the 26 hours we were at the hospital, we got to spend most of our time with her. She visited with her birthmom three times while at the hospital and we have pictures of her birthmom holding Willow for her adoption album. We were kept very separate from her birthmom for the whole time and did not meet her, though she has since decided that she would like to meet us. That meeting will take place next week. I feel okay about it...the period of legal risk is over now. Willow's birthmom named her....hence the surprise. When we walked into the nursery to meet her (♥), the name on her bassinet said "Willow Celeste." I fell in love with it immediately. This after months of narrowing down our name selection....haha...you just never know. I'm glad she picked a great name because even if I had hated the name, I would've had a hard time changing it. I couldn't change my dog's name when I got her from the Humane Society...she was Panther...that was her name. And so Willow is Willow and we love it ♥.

Today is our third day home. Willow sleeps well during the day though not so well during the night, of course:) John and I are nauseatingly tired but it is so worth it. She has fun alert times when we tickle and massage her...massaging her little feet is our best calming tool for those (so far) rare times when she cries. We are cloth diapering. I discovered after sticking her that I do not like snappis on prefolds. I am using fitteds with covers and they are enormous on her...it's hysterical. They contain everything and we've had no leaks. Thanks so much to Roxana for lending me all of those diapers! They are a lifesaver and washing them is so easy. I wish the sun would come out for drying however.

Willow had her first Doctors appointment. As many of you have probably experienced, we got conflicting advice from every nurse at the hospital and our own doctor; put nothing on the cord/use alcohol on the cord, limit how much formula she eats/ let her eat til she stops, swaddle with arms crossed/swaddle with arms straight, pat her firmly when burping/no need to pat etc etc. I do like her doctor though....he's loud, funny and comes highly recommended.

I have enough donor milk to last me another week or so. I was using the sns, but since she has no nipple confusion I have decided that when she is hungry I will first put her to my breast to get what she can and then give her a bottle...it is easier than hooking up the sns and provides the same benefits. It is working just fine and she stays latched for a while so she must be getting something. I am producing more milk for sure but don't know how much. I still have to use some formula....it is very unlikely that I will be able to continue to get enough donor milk to supplement my own. We used some similac last night for nighttime feedings and her little tummy didn't like it at all:( I heard lots of noises and there was cringing and writing involved. Poor baby:( Today we got the similac organic formula and it seems to be gentler on her tummy. We've decided to reserve the breastmilk for night feeding.

I promise I will post pics soon. Right now I have to nap!

Waiting!!

Oh the waiting! I suppose it is similar to being a week from your due date and just needing that baby to come out:/ Despite the pain and discomfort, I do wish that I had been able to experience pregnancy. I have not given up hope for the future but right now, all of our love and focus is reserved for this itty bitty girl we're waiting so patiently for.

I have been pumping for 2 ½ days. I sit in the nursery every three hours with baby clothes on my lap and happy baby thoughts in my mind and pump for 10 minutes. I still have only droplets but they are increasing. Everyone I have spoken to: parents, LLL leaders and lactation consultants all say the same thing - putting the baby to my breast will be the best way of increasing my supply. A baby is better than any pump on the market. One dilemma was that the supplemental nursing system that I will likely require is $150 and not returnable if this plan ultimately doesn't work:/ I have been going back and forth but need to do it now if I'm going to be ready for the baby. That is a hefty cost for someone who is not working. Fortunately, and quite coincidentally, my mom realized that the cello player in her orchestra is the lactation consultant at Lawrence and Memorial. I called her on a whim today while staring at the virtual shopping cart with the $150 sns in it, and she told me that she has a couple of them at home that she'll give me for free:) They are not as convenient as the one I planned to order but at least I can see if it works for the baby before dishing out the money for the other one! She also offered her office and services at L&M whenever I need them. I was concerned that as the adoptive mom, I would get none of the benefits that birthmom's get in the hospital. No one is going to come to me and say, "Hey, let me show you how to breastfeed your adopted baby and use the sns at the same time." As a "visitor" at the hospital, I don't think I'll get that kind of treatment. Though you never know I guess. I have had some regular contact with the lac consultant at Middlesex...maybe she will help me on the down low. She told me that there is a breastfeeding class being held at Middlesex this Wednesday. I imagine I'll be the only non-pregnant mom looking to breastfeed her adopted child. Well, I've never shied away from the spotlight before...no need to start now.

I'm going to go back to waiting now. Think healthy baby thoughts!

An entry about my boobs.

I promised myself I would be completely open and honest in this blog and that means a discussion about my boobs is not off limits. Mysteriously, they are producing a bit of milk so today I am going to L & M hospital to rent a breastpump. I'll use the pump from now until the baby arrives and see what I can produce. I know that babies are the best breastpumps but I would like to try to increase my production before the baby arrives so I'll have to rely less on a supplemental nurser when the time comes. For those of you who don't know, a supplemental nurser is a bag with tubing that hangs around your neck....the tubing connects to your breast (with a bit of tape) and feeds the baby supplemental breastmilk or formula if you are not producing enough milk. I know my friends...some of you are saying "Fantastic idea! I am so happy that you are going to try breastfeeding!" Others are saying, "This is ridiculous, formula is fine - why go through this much trouble!" I have no false expectations. If I can't produce milk, I will use my donated milk, formula and bottles. If there is a possibility that I can, however, the health benefits, increased bonding and cost reduction (we all know how expensive formula is...never mind organic formula) are well worth the effort. Again, some of you are saying that you still bond perfectly well with a bottle-fed baby but please remember that in most cases, that baby grew inside of you for 9 months! Talk about a bonding experience! Adoptive parents have a slightly different bonding experience. The closer I can get emotionally and physically to this baby, the easier the bonding will be. Of course, I haven't even met the baby and I feel bonded to her already. Still, I have the time to try this and I have always been pro breastfeeding. If I can't carry a child, I would at least like the experience of breastfeeding like so many other natural mothers get. I am a little concerned about latching and the use of the SNS since they will be unable to help me in the hospital:/ I called a local La Leche rep that will hopefully be able to come out to my house and help me should the baby not latch properly. So, off I head to L & M for this next little adventure. Wish me luck:) Also, were my camera not broken, I would post pics of the nursery etc. Alas, we may not even get it back before we get the baby:/ My mom will be lending us a camera for the time being and I'll post pics soon.

Small Disappointments and Promising Developments

Today I found out (though I suppose I should have realized this all along) that John and I have no rights concerning the baby while at the hospital. Until the baby is discharged, or until 72 hours have passed, we are visitors. Needless to say, we would need the birthmother's permission in order to feed the baby donor breastmilk. Her social worker (who works for our agency) feels like this may be getting her too involved in decision making concerning the baby and we would be better to play it safe and let the hospital do it's thing. When explained that way, I suppose it makes sense. There are so many conflicting feelings at play during an adoption. I am making choices in the hopes that those choices will prevent the birthmom from bonding with this baby. Even the birthmom's social worker technically works for me. Also, I learned that we only get a room at the hospital if there is a room available. If not, we are limited to visiting hours! Even if we have a room, the social worker said we can spend time with the baby when the birthmom is not with her. What does THAT mean??? Is the birthmom wanting to spend time with the baby? I got nervous when the social worker said this, but she assured me that the birthmom is still 100% about the adoption. It still fills me with fear.

So the adoption agency let slip the gender of the baby:/ We are having a girl:) Also, it seems that I have begun to produce milk. I have not been trying, nevertheless, it is happening...perhaps my hormonal response to everything that is happening? It is not unheard of in an adoptive mother. I think it would be foolish of me not to take advantage of this opportunity. I will rent a pump from the hospital and see what I can produce in the next couple of weeks. Who knows?

Updates!

I realize I just posted today but I got some info from my social worker that I wanted to share.

The birthmother has decided that she does not want to meet us, so the hospital (Middlessex) is setting up a special room for John and me. As soon as the baby is born, s/he is delivered right to our room:) The birthmother has a history of delivering early and very quickly so we could get our call any time. Yayayayayayay. Our hearts are bursting:) ♥

Random Thoughts

Now that I am home from work, I'm doing a lot of waiting. So much of the adoption process involves waiting. Everything is prepared...there is nothing we need for the first weeks of parenthood that we don't have, physically anyway. So here I am at home...everything is clean and organized and I have a lot of sitting around time that is being filled with knitting, reading and playing the harp. Preparing a nursery and your home for an adopted child is an exciting, though terrifying process. There is still plenty of time for the birthmother or even the birthfather in our case to change their minds. I read today in an adoptive parent magazine that 35% of parents adopting domestically experience at least one false start. I realize that I can't dwell on this but it is impossible to eradicate the thought from my mind completely. I don't really know what I would do were the adoption to fall through. I'm unemployed! Perhaps I should have stayed at my job until the baby is in our house...asked for a leave of absence and made it final after the period of legal risk was over. I feel as though everything has fallen into place with remarkable ease. The likelihood of any adoptive family getting an in-state, healthy caucasian newborn 6 months out of their homestudy is so slim...it almost seems too good to be true. I have been following other adoption blogs and feel for other would-be parents who have been waiting 2+ years. I can't even imagine.

Despite the fears that live in the back of my consiousness, I am confident that the adoption will progress successfully...all of the right signs are there. Most of my worry time is filled up with stupid questions like whether my in-laws allow me to use their washer to wash cloth diapers when we visit and what the easiest way to handle nighttime feedings is when you are bottle feeding breastmilk. Yes, I have decided to go with donated breastmilk. I have two wonderful people who offered to pump for me. I will likely have to supplement with some formula....which may be the answer to my nighttime feeding dilemma. I have mostly Dr. Brown's glass bottles and the 14 brushes necessary to clean them.

As some of you saw, I taught John how to put on a diaper last night:) Obviously, cloth can be a bit trickier so we took the time to practice prefolds using a snappi, fitteds and all-in-ones. He is happy that the changing pad has a buckle (see Lisa, told you!). I will have some standby Seventh Gen disposables for travel (the in-laws perhaps;) or emergencies but I want to get stated with cloth from the beginning so that I can't be seduced by the convenience of disposables! My stupid conscience is always on overdrive. I bought yards of flannel from JoAnn that I cut into reusable wipes.

John and I do not have a crib. When the baby grows out of the co-sleeper (can pull up, etc.) we plan to move him/her into the nursery which will be set up with an infant floor bed. It is a wooden frame that sits on the floor and fits a crib mattress. It has a cut-out like a toddler bed for the child to get out of bed. The room will be completely child-friendly and safe. Low shelves will be mounted to the wall with a few toys on them, there will be a pull-up bar with a safety mirror on the wall (like a ballet studio) and a gate at the door. The child will have complete access to this room at any time from the time he or she can crawl. Yes, it is a bold, brave move but it has been my dream for a long time and I have done my research. Imagine a child who can sit in her room and entertain herself instead of screaming from a crib when she wakes up...allowing you a little extra time in bed. I know it is idealistic and many of you are saying, "Yeah Tasha, just you wait! You'll wish you had that cage of a crib!" but, it's who I am and in line with my philosophy of child-rearing. My mom said that there were french doors on the room where my sister and I slept as toddlers and that she used to close the bottom half of the door and allow us to play independently when we woke up and occasionally throughout the day.

John and I have our names picked out and since it is not in my nature to keep things secret, I'll tell you all. Gabriel Lawrence has always been our boy name. We had more difficulty with our girl's name. We have nearly decided on Penelope Jane but we both also love the name Darcy. I constantly get negative feedback on that name (which is probably why I shouldn't share name ideas) but we just love it. If we have a girl we'll decide whether she looks more like a Penelope or a Darcy at the time. I keep assuming that we are having a girl...don't know why, just one of those things.

Well, + or - 2 more weeks of waiting. I wonder if the call will come in the middle of the night...I sleep with my cell phone next to me:) We should probably have a bag packed.

As a final note, I went to Babies R Us to pick up the 14 brushes that I need for the Dr. Brown's bottles and parked in the "expectant mother" parking spot right at the front. Yes I did, thank you:)

Breastmilk blues and due date update.

Our birthmom went for a doctor's appointment and they determined that the due date is not until April 25th! What am I going to do just sitting at home for 3 more weeks or so??? The baby weighs 5 lbs right now, appears very healthy, and should be a good healthy weight by the time of the birth despite the fact that the birthmom smoked during much of her pregnancy. They also know the sex of the baby but John and I have chosen not to know....actually, it's more John than me. I was fine not knowing when nobody else knew...now the suspense will begin to eat at me!!! I'm still going back and forth between the breastmilk and formula options. If I do choose breastmilk, I can try to produce my own by various methods or I can choose to go through a milk-sharing program. For those of you who don't know, many mothers produce an overabundance of milk and are willing to share with mom's who can't produce enough milk or have adopted babies. This is essentially a free program minus the cost of shipping etc. but there are inherent risks involved. Bah! What do I do? I would really like the baby to get the benefits of breastmilk but the whole deal seems like such a hassle. Advice?